Day 5

I started this blog four years ago when my 4th husband and I split up. After reconciling after about 6 months, I deleted the blog and set about chasing happily ever after. Fast-forward four years and here we are again. Not only did it not work, it made us both more miserable than we have ever been. Being people stuck in a marriage and too afraid to move, we existed in an environment of resentment and blame.

We wanted it to work. Genuinely loving each other, we were afraid to admit defeat. Neither of us seemed willing to bear the responsibility of the break. Standing firm on the other party being responsible for our misery, days turned into months of passive behavior. Passive aggressive became the normal. Insulting each other while "being funny" began happening regularly.

Days were a struggle to get through. Waking up each morning, I found myself dreading opening my eyes. Dreading whatever each day held, my willpower to perform basic functions had to be summoned using pure will. Living a life I thought I was supposed to live was making me miserable. I was so afraid of not being who I was supposed to be, I forced myself into the life I thought I was supposed to lead.

Enough finally became enough when he accused me of cheating. I allowed myself to become a stagnant lover and he was convinced my attention was placed elsewhere. The sad truth is I buried the passion and excitement under expectations. Forcing myself to believe that part of my life was over. At one point I believed my lack of sex resulted as karma for misdeeds in my past. My self esteem is in the toilet and as much as I want to blame someone else, I am finally strong enough to understand I allowed myself to become exactly who I was.

Faithful has never been my strong suit. My selfishness has always provided justification to my transgressions. The love I felt for him superseded anything I had ever felt and the instant gratification awarded with an affair would have never been worth the cost. Knowing he believed I would break that covenant with him gave me the opportunity to honestly accept his opinion of me. Hearing him accuse me ignited something within me and provided the strength I needed to step away.

Walking away means I failed. Everyone was right. I find myself wondering how long I have stayed to avoid taking responsibility for my own failure, convincing myself and those around me of the happiness I yearn to be reality. Fooling everyone, including myself, took most of my energy. I am learning growth is painful, but not as heartbreaking as looking back and realizing you were fooling yourself.

This was not supposed to happen. My intentions of commitment led to me lying to myself in order to fulfill an image I created from expectations of those around me. It was a hard fall when I recognized my actions were a manipulation to show the world something which does not exist. All the naysayers from my past win this round. Not fearing the shame of failure, I am provided with an opportunity to honestly evaluate my life. Where it is and where I want it to be with brutal honesty.

Having the guts to face who I had become took a lot of growth. I had let myself go down the path of least resistance for so long, I knew the journey back would be difficult. Rather than facing the dread and choosing to turn around, I tried to fool myself into believing my actions were in the interest of others. Responsibility for my misery laid elsewhere, providing me no opportunity for resolution. To change, I would have to accept my part in allowing circumstances to remain.

Going forward, I hope to be more accepting of who I am. Recognizing and calling bullshit on myself is a skill I thought I had mastered. Instead of allowing the shame to convince me I am a bad person, I choose to look at my life and evaluate my position, especially when it involves someone else being blamed. As with most things, the more I do it, the easier it will get.